HEROIN I don't know, like, for me, I started to drink before everyone else.When I was about twelve. I mean it was purely experimentation. From the time I, like, I first tried. I mean when I was younger, I was really like a goody goody, I suppose. I don't know... I did really well at school, up until about standard four. But then I just remember what ever I did it was just not good enough. My parents tried to push me. I don't know, they tried me to get my full potential I suppose. I got cool marks but, it always was like, you could do better. In standard five I gave up. I mean from there I tried to portray this rebel image and I was always in trouble. But kind of, inside I felt I was quite insecure and I started drinking. That gave me all the confidence I didn't have. When I was in standard six and going to the socials, I would go there and watch everyone from a distance. I couldn't pluck up the courage to ask someone to dance or what ever. Then I started drinking...it gave me all that confidence. And it just developed from there. It wasn't with friends, it was purely my own kind of thing. But I always said I wouldn't do the harder kind of drugs. Like I always wanted to try some dagga. And I tried that, when I was about sixteen. Nothing happened for the first couple of times. The first time it did work, I was so drunk anyway. But I mean like from that day the first time I drank... So I used to drink every weekend. And I also, I suppose, I was worried that I would become an alcoholic. My grandfather was, and also my uncle. So when I drank I always thought that I must watch out. I don't know if I always knew that I was going to be an addict or something deep down inside me. 'Cause I always hide it from my parents, like to this day they still don't think I drank much. I don't know, so I wouldn't drink at home. Like my dad would have a beer I wouldn't have a beer. And when he said: "Why?" I would just say no I don't want one. I did drink and they knew that I drank. Then I start smoking grass. And that would be exactly the same as drinking. Every weekend and then every day. I did it with friends, but I would never say it was out of peer pressure. It would just progress into the next drug and then that would be the thing. And I would slow down on the previous drug. I don't really want to talk about the drugs I have used. I'm trying to stick more to the feelings that are going on. That's more what it's about. I mean if you have a heroin problem or a dope problem its pretty much the same to you. The more I got involved in the drugs the worse I felt about myself. And then eventually the drugs that gave me the confidence didn't give me confidence any more. Ja, I think up until the first year I was out of school I was fine, I mean they (parents) didn't really know anything. And then the first time they found out I think was in 1993, when I was one year out of school. I was just talking to a friend over the phone and they overheard this and freaked out. They actually sent me to the drug counselling centre. I was really proud of the fact that I have been to rehab. Ja, I mean at the time the counsellor I had, I didn't know if I convinced her or what, but it ended up that I went there once. Everything that I learned about drugs. From these ex- drug- addicts, to the police who gave these talks at our school, they always went over the top, you know. They made it out like one hit after you used dagga and you lie in the gutter with a syringe hanging out of your arm. So I had the impression that I didn't have a problem. Because I was on grass for five years and I don't even do these other drugs yet. That was kind of what kept me in denial I suppose. And I was also pretending that I was studying, well I thought I was but it seemed that I didn't get anywhere. I always blamed the course that I was studying , I don't know whatever. Like right up to the end, I never thought that drugs were the problem. Always these people or this course, or the Afrikaans (I started studying at Stellenbosch) so it was always like, never like, me or the drugs. The first time I realised it was (addicted), I watched two friends of mine overdosing in front of me and the one guy died. And, ja that was kind of the first time I thought that maybe drugs was the problem. Before that, it would always seem to be fun. I mean I was enjoying it. I think I enjoyed most of my drug taking. I don't know if it was his death that caused it. I mean I don't want to blame anyone. But it all coincided that time when he died. My drug use kind of exploded and all these things fell into place. Where I suddenly had whatever I wanted to use. But money wasn't the issue. So I could use stuff all the time and it wouldn't make a difference. At that point I went completely crazy and I lost about thirty kilograms. That was the first time things were really stressful at home. I mean, I moved out when I went to study at Stellenbosch and I moved back and I was lying about the fact that I was using drugs. Admitting to about half of the stuff that I was doing. So it was like yes I smoke grass but its OK. Denying everything else. Obviously it didn't go down very well, I mean, your best friend dying of a heroin overdose. They (parents), kind of like, put two and two together. Then I couldn't deny it anymore. They made the rules saying that if I want to stay there I must live by their rules and go into rehab. So I left. I moved in with a friend for about two months and then I moved back home. And I think I stayed at home for about a week and I left again. Anything that got in the way of me and taking drugs, I didn't want anything to do with it, so I left again. I just packed all my stuff in my car and I don't know, I just drove off. I didn't see them for about eight months. In that time I think I stayed in about seventeen different places, sleeping on the floor on the couch where ever. I think that eight months... I'm really glad that it happened. That was when I kind of started seeing all the shit that was going on. Before that it was all fun and games, until my friend died. I mean my best friend died and like half of my friends are in jail. I started stealing from friend of mine's house. It didn't happen a lot, but once or twice, but enough to make me think, "What am I doing?" Right at the end, when I kind of lost everything that I had, I still have my car, I don't know how I managed that but I have. Moving around from people until they say I must leave unless I stop taking drugs. That also, made me realise that I had a problem. Well I actually didn't like it any more. I was just saying everyday I must stop now. And I've also tried stopping in various ways. Like just drinking or the kind of things where you try to control it. Like destroying the stuff that I used to take the drugs. Like stupid things, like leaving money somewhere else, I don't know whatever. It just carried on. I started to have constant fear, I don't know, like fear being constantly bust by the cops, other dealers. I don't know. It was just terrible I hated it. I was kicked out of a house and went to stay with another friend of mine in Gordon's Bay and his dad kicked me out. And then I came to the Cape Town Drug Counselling Centre again. I remember the morning when I came here, basically I had a shot in the car outside. And I thought this was the last one. Whatever. I felt I didn't really care.That was how I felt. I didn't care anymore. Well, if I overdosed I don't care anymore. That was where my life was at that moment. I didn't care whether I was dead or alive. I didn't necessarily want to kill myself and I didn't want to be alive as well. Either way. For about three weeks I stayed clean and while I was doing whatever they were telling me, what to do here and listening to what they had to say. Then I thought again I was like kind of different and I could drink. Then also I think peer pressure played a role because two or three of us who were coming in together... and I really wanted to give up. I think about two weeks down the line two guys were like "Maybe we just give up (counselling) for a while." And I still wanted to give up (alcohol and drugs) but I didn't have any other friends. I didn't know anybody because I excluded myself from anybody that used drugs. I guess they got me on this thing that maybe I should. And I went to NA and they went on this thing that you are not allowed to drink and I thought they were talking kak. Then I was drinking and started to smoke grass after three weeks. When I started drinking then I suddenly wanted to use. I decided to use heroin again. And I thought it was no problem. And again within five days I was using it very day. So this last six months wasn't so bad it seemed for me most people would say otherwise, but for me it was a bit better. Maybe because of the drug that I have been using. I had to have it, where before it wasn't that much of a problem. I was like spending every cent I had on drugs. But compared to what I was doing before it felt like I wasn't really using. I was just trying to keep from being sick. And I went back to college. I conned all my friends and found new friends with whom I could do it. So I had friends I didn't do it with, who thought I was clean and I had new friends who I did it with. So I would like portray to my old friends that I'm still clean. The thing that made me finally stop was, I went back to college and I was there sitting in front of my drawing board and doing nothing. And I woke up one morning and realised that as long as I'm using drugs I'm not going to do anything with my life. And before, that seemed OK and I was happy being a druggy for the rest of my life. That was how I decided that's what I'm going to do. I came to the Drug Counselling Centre and went to rehab after a week. I don't know if I finally realised that I am a drug addict, and really wanted to stop. But it's been really easy for me. I know its not like that for everybody and I do struggle from time to time. I'm not good with how am I feeling. It always seems okay, but its been difficult. I know it was not easy. In rehab I really just did whatever they told me to do, for the first time in my life. And I suppose I became the opposite of what I was. I suppose I'm very grateful for that. I know today that I can't use anything (drugs or alcohol). I have to abstain from all drugs. Otherwise I will be out there and be using everything again. Especially alcohol. I finished my design course end of last year and now I want to do what I want to do. Now I want to fulfil the dreams I had. Yes I suppose I'm just going to fulfil those things for a change, instead of just living for the next drugs. I am a member of narcotics anonymous and my recovery is based on what they do.